What I learnt from giving up Caffeine

I gave up drinking tea last week Thursday.  I had learnt from a few different sources that caffeine (in the long run) can be pretty harmful to your brain and, not wishing to compromise any remnants of wit and wisdom, decided to make a clean sweep of it.

Well, at least just for Lent anyway...

All went well until Saturday when the first of many throbbing headaches descended...only to be joined by muscle aches and general ill-temper on Monday.

In all, I had anticipated two or  three days of "withdrawals".  Yet it was not until Saturday (yesterday) that I could truly say I was back to my cheerful self - a full 9 days after I'd begun my fast.

I wish I could say that I bore this burden with magnanimity.  I wish I could say it had some spiritual spinoff.   Yet it wasn't until today that I experienced some sort of illumination.  It came after reading the great Christian thinker C.S. Lewis' thoughts on temptation:

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.  A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means.  This is an obvious lie.  Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.  After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in.  You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not be lying down.  A man who gives in to temptation after 5 minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.  That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness - they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.  We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight:  and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist"

About the only thing I can say of my caffeine fast (so far) is that I have truly discovered - and in fact am continuing to discover - the hold which caffeine had over my life.  I'd like to say therefore that in this particular area of temptation, I, (like Christ) have become a complete realist.  But that would be taking it too far.

When all's said and done however, it has got me thinking about the presence of other toxins in my life.  The secret, hidden toxins.  The type which snype cunningly at dreams and nibble silently at the corners of destiny.  Stuff I've so willingly acquiesced to that their presence is going almost un-noticed.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and incurable.  Who can understand it"

Mercifully I have a savioiur who can do just that!

Are You Getting Any Younger?

My wife and I - more my wife than I - have been dealing with the sobering reality that her parents are getting old and will soon need special care.  The past few weeks have been filled with visits to old age homes and medical specialists, facing inconvenient facts and assessing a staggering variety of different care scenarios.  It's really got me thinking about life and the fact that even the best of us have to get old.

When I was 18, I went to Switzerland to pay a final visit to my grandfather.  I'd never gotten to know my maternal grandparents as well as my paternal ones and to this day think it a pity. Having suffered from Parkinson's Disease for much of his life as a senior he was now in the frail care unit of a local old age home.

Maybe I was young and naive - but I can still remember the incredible shock of being surrounded by all those frail people, many tortured by dementia; many not quite alive but not quite dead either.

What lingers was the memory of an old metal locker which held every earthly belonging that remained in my Grandfather's name.  This was a man who had been a prominent and influential builder and as such, a respected member of his community.  He and my grandmother had owned a lovely home in the beautiful Bernese Oberland,  citizens of one of the world's most affluent societies. And while all this had at least given him decent care in his old age (something not many ageing people get in this country), all he had to show for it now was an old metal locker.

Now please don't hear what I'm not saying.  The seeming pathos of his final days was in no way a reflection of the way he'd lived his life.  Hans Stettler was a loving father and a loyal husband.  A man of substance and integrity.  Not only is he fondly remembered but his descendants are living in the legacy of a life well lived.

What I am saying is this:  How differently would I live my life if I was less fixated on the so-called prime of my existence - and was instead, perhaps only just occasionally, haunted slightly by the sobering and countervailing reality of an impending twilight too?  Was the writer of Ecclesiastes similarly troubled?

"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, 'I find no pleasure in them'"

In, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", F.Scott Fitzgerald depicts a character who is born as a wizened old man but who gradually gets younger as his life progresses.  It's an intriguing concept and somewhat resonant with the message which scripture has for us who believe:

"Though outwardly we are wasting away, Inwardly we are being renewed day by day"

So sobering as old age can be, I find it amazing that in right relationship with God I can embrace my temporality, knowing that with every day closer to the grave, (and as such closer to eternity), I am actually getting younger and not older.

(Of course, when Hollywood got its hands on the Benjamin Button story it missed the point entirely.  Instead of getting wiser as he "grew younger", our hero exhibits all the characteristics you'd expect from a callow and oversexed youth).  How much more impact would the story have had if instead he'd grown in maturity and integrity as he approached his "birth"?

Still, the story is useful at many levels.  Soren Kierkegaard said:

"Life can only be understood backwards - but should be lived forwards"

Check out this amusing advertisement for a gaming console - it is pretty light-hearted but still manages to support the point (though I don't agree with the final call to action!!)

As my wife and I begin to contend with the so-called "burden" of ageing and ailing parents I find myself more and more chastened by the reality that my own time on this planet is "but a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes".  As the Psalmist wrote (Psalm 103)

"As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more"

But mercifully he does not stop there (and upon this we hang our hope)

"But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children - with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts"

A wake up call from a Bird

Lisa and I had the privilege of spending the week between Christmas and New Year house-sitting for a friend in Gillitts just north of Kloof.  The home was palatial (by our standards) with a magnificently verdant garden and private leisure area.  It was a great place to unwind from the pressures of 2011 because, though I'd had a very successful year financially, my vertical relationship with Christ had suffered a bit.

On our first morning, we were awakened by a persistent tapping on a downstairs window which, it turned out, was an Olive Thrush hammering with his beak on the glass just above the breakfast table.  Though he came and went throughout the day, he spent most of his daylight hours engaged in this transient activity.  And though I know he was probably just attracted to his own reflection, I imagined his deeper motivation was to try and break in and explore the mysterious universe which lay behind this frustratingly reflective surface.  It turns out, by the way, that this bird is a daily feature of life at this lovely home and that the people who live there have grown quite fond of his eccentricity.

How often, I wondered, am I like that bird?   Tapping with obsessive yet fruitless curiosity upon windows and doors which, quite simply, were never meant to yield in the first place?  And what could it teach me of my working year?  Like that bird,  had I spent most of 2011 trading the world of generious possibilities that I DID have access to for one which is perhaps not meant for me?  How much did the ambitions which fuelled me in the short term actually wear me out in the long? Why, for example do I long to be seen as an authority in my profession - to be renowned and honoured for my expertise?  Yet how big a toll will this (oftentimes subconscious) yearning - actually ask of me?

I am thankful for that simple little illustration because it taught me the importance of perspective in seeing all which God has placed in front of me.  As David says in his song of praise in 2 Samuel 22, even though I have entered the Kingdom through a narrow door of salvation, my entrance has brought me into a spacious place, one which God has given me because he delights in me.

It reminds me of the one of the closing chapters of C.S. Lewis' "The Last Battle" when Tirian and Digory encounter a stable door in the the middle of a Narnian forest.

"It seems, then," said Tirian, "that the Stable seen from within and the Stable seen from without are two different places."  

"Yes, said the Lord Digory.  "Its inside is bigger than its outside"

Bill Johnson, in his book "Secrets to imitating God" re-echoes this truth:

"Life in the Kingdom, which is past the narrow entrance of salvation, is completely different.  It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.  It is here we find the Lord saying to us that we're no longer servants but friends"

Because so many of my mis-spent ambitions and worries have to do with work - the quantity, quality and even the occasional lack of it - I have drafted a few imperatives to remind me of God's goodness in the spacious place he has placed me:

• Work is only one of the ways in which God provides for my needs and that God's provision can take many forms - often beyond the financial
• I understand that it is not the LEVEL of provision that matters because in God I can never have too much or too little - the Israelites found this out when Manna fell from heaven (Exodus 16 vs 17)
• I understand that all work - even menial, seemingly unfulfilling and unpaying work - is a means to glorify God.  I will give thanks for it all, acknowledging Him as the source
• My work is firstly the place of mission and influence - income is a distant third place spin-off
• My work is a unique instrument with which to worship God - I am willing and able to work and thus refuse to adopt a doctrine which says that I am perfected in the hardship of unemployment
• I will not second guess my allocation of "talent" as a way of judging how much or how little of it I am to invest.  I will invest it ALL wholeheartedly and in faith to leave a legacy.
• My work is not about being the "best IN the world" but about being the "best FOR  the world"
• When it comes to my dreams for my business, I will seek the Lord for patience - because I believe that it is a lack of patience (and not failure) that sinks dreams

 "Small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life"

Sparrow Faith and my own business

A friend once likened running your own business to jumping out of at 100 story building.  As you hurtle past the 75th floor someone inside yells: "how's it going?" You answer - "so far so good!" 

A curiously apt description for how I feel at the moment.  

I read recently of how battle-hardened and even decorated soldiers of The Great War - in spite of prolonged exposure to fire - would suddenly lose their nerve and be court-martialled for cowardice.

I see a lot of me in that anecdote.  Minus, of course, what Wilfred Owen called "the monstrous anger of the guns".  The so-called "nerve" which spirited me from my corporate job 3 years ago - and which to some degree has sustained me ever since - is faltering once again.  

The relative and inevitable lull which settles at the beginning of the year has me worrying about my future income as though the last 36 months of God's goodness and blessing had never actually happened.

Two things are behind this:

Comparison

When I compare myself to the financial/career struggles of my peers - more specifically the relative blessings I have enjoyed - something in my subconscious says:  "it's just a matter of time before my fortune lapses and I am in the same boat as those poor souls. There's no way some of us can take all the blessings."

This view is flawed on so many levels it's not even worth unpacking.  Instead, let me direct you to my post "Comparison Kills - That is All".

Sparrow Faith - or lack thereof

Probably one of Jesus' most profound illustrations (Matt 6:26) spoke to the type of faith he expected of his followers.  Craig Hill, in his book "Wealth, Riches and Money" calls "Sparrow Faith" the "foundation cornerstone of Christian financial structure".

"This is an absolute trust and confidence and leaning of one's entire personality upon the fact that God loves me and will make provision for me.  If I am working 40 hours a week for an employer, the money I receive is not my due from him, but rather provision made available to me by grace as a gift from my Father, who loves me.  This fact then makes God my source of provision and my employer merely delegated as the current channel through which my provision comes."

Hill goes on to show how Sparrow Faith will serve us when the foundations of our employment are rocked, either by recession, re-structuring or something else:

"...my heart is not terrorized by fear of lack of provision, because my employer is not my source.  The source has not changed.  God's love for me has not changed.  God may simply use a different channel through which to provide for my needs."

In closing, I was greatly heartened by the story of a Congolese refugee car guard who, having erected a rudimentary blackboard in the parking lot of a Paarl shopping centre, provided lively explanations to mathematical problems to whoever would listen.  Once a maths teacher, Fernando Ogadi's obvious flair for sums soon caught the eye of a Sunward Park headmistress who was overwhelmed by his charm and who pulled strings to get him a job at a Boksburg school.

I suppose this story doesn't say much about Sparrow Faith or Comparison.  Yet when you consider that guarding cars is probably one of the lousiest jobs you can have, the spirit and tenacity of this man is strangely encouraging.