I am haunted by the possibility of wasting my life.
Indeed, each day is a battle between two extremes: of living the next 24 hours for the rewards of this life or of living so that, in the words of the Gladiator Maximus, my actions echo in eternity.
Though in my mind I may hold these trade-offs in sharp relief, the right decision is never guaranteed. Indeed, this is my life's battle.
"Let me go and bury my father" says one of Jesus' followers in the Gospel of Matthew.
"Follow me and let the dead bury their own dead" replies Jesus.
It was a pretty harsh reply, especially given the great importance the Jews placed on the duty of children to bury their parents. Yet only Jesus knew how crucial his mission was. Only he knew the day and the hour when he would be seized and executed. Only he knew that he had about three years to mould a small yet resilient task force to incarnate his kingdom in the World at large. Just three years. Not a long time - not then, not now.
The clock was ticking and he had work to do.
Last week I received a medium term employment offer which would pretty much see me through financially until mid December. An opportunity not to worry about income for at least another year - to perhaps spend on a few luxuries we've been putting off since I became self-employed. A chance to immerse myself again in the world of big business - learn at the cutting edge of commerce.
It was - for a few minutes anyway - a tempting proposition. Until I looked at it from another angle.
One of the great joys of self-employment has been the freedom to dream again. Not to kick back and veg out during the down time but to ride the winds of possibility as and when they blow. How to value that freedom in light of this offer?
More than this, I'd been in full time corporate employment before - in the very company which furnished the offer - and for 16 long years at that. At least 10 of them were some of the hardest most bitter years of my life. In fact, the offer in question involved the type of work I'd spent years asking God to deliver me from. Even with the prospect of medium term financial security - why go back?
"it was for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery"
Though Paul was chastising the Galatians for discarding the gospel of Grace in favor of the law, the parallels are striking. It's all about going back to your comfort zones - even when they aren't beneficial for you. Behaving like the proverbial dog which returns to its vomit.
Have I made up my mind? Yes. Am I at peace with my decision? Mostly. Is this bravado? I trust it is faith. I am stirred by the introduction to Erwin McManus' book "Chasing Daylight":
"This a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God".
Or as Bill Hybel wrote in his book, "The Power of a Whisper"
"life is long enough to live out God's purpose, but too short to waste a moment"
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