How I lost 10 years of my life

When I was 24 I ended up in a bad relationship.  I say, “ended up” as though it was something that just happened to me.  The reality is I went in with both eyes open.  The girl in question was 2 months pregnant having rebounded from a highly volatile and misguided relationship with another man.  Though two family members questioned whether it would work, I blundered on regardless, imagining I could make more of the faulty building material than others could.   In short, I would be the exception to the rule.

2 weeks after my 25th birthday, the child was born and I became a de facto dad.  We got married 18 months later.   3 years after that; the marriage was on the rocks and in April 2001, it went uncontested to the divorce courts.  It was only in 2003 that I could truly say I’d re-discovered the path I was meant to be on in the first place and with it, the will to really live again.  In all, nearly 10 years of my life had swirled heedlessly down the plughole amidst a fog of aimless conflict and bitterness.

I had some part to play in it all.  I was quick tempered and at times, a certifiable arsehole.  Also, In believing the fraught foundations could sustain the weight of a lifelong partnership, I had reduced the thing to a simplistic, weak-willed cocktail of noble intentions and romantic illusions.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge – but the simple keep going and suffer for it” 

– Proverbs 27: 12

The other night Lisa and I watched a series of challenging talks by Andy Stanley on the topic of life’s destinations.  The central message Stanley calls “The Principle of the Path”: good intentions are always trumped by the path in life you choose – your direction determines your destination not your good intentions.  

“You can have a plan for a beach holiday in Miami, you can pile your car high with swimming gear and surfboards – but if you go north on I 85 instead of south you won’t be having a beach holiday anytime soon”

We were suitably chastened by this.  How much are we basing our direction in life on the theoretical compass bearing of a well-intentioned wish list rather than on concrete actions that actually lead to the desired destination?  How often do we take on the practical, hard-as-nails challenge of marrying action with sentiment?  Are we viewing everyday life critically enough to identify the hidden traps and pitfalls that might take us off the path?

We watched Andy’s DVD with a couple who has recently lost everything in a bad business deal and who are having to make a fresh start.  The wife insisted they’d seen the DVD before.  The husband had no recollection of it and wondered why.  “Because it was 2 years ago and everything was hunky dory back then”.  Paul wrote in his first letter to the Corinthians:  “if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall”

Mercifully many of the intangibles I lost through the winnowing process of divorce have been restored to me and I am living an abundant life.   This is thanks to my precious wife Lisa and the God of Grace who presides over our marriage.  

But the Principle of the Path remains a chilling warning nonetheless.